Members
Chris Baldwin
He's new and improved people. After some testicular surgery, his falsetto is ripe and ready to shatter the ears of your children. All that sexual abuse from the almighty desolate one has really done him some good. Now he growls like the very creatures of the underworld. His bleeding asshole painful enough to allow for the most hair-raising shrieks imaginable. And let's not forget about that sensual, poetic, we-think-he-might-be-gay melancholic singing voice of his. It could melt the tits off a transsexual. Yes, it is he that shall put bullet holes in the heads of your insecure adolescents. His subliminal messages in his blabbering speeches will boost Hot Topic sales globally. The new black will be fake blood and makeup white and spiked collars and little plastic spiders and stuff. All of the trinkets of true rebellious fervor.
Johnny Pluckman
Coming to you the gold medalist of this year's annual beard-off, the master of inaudible devastation has broken through the putrid uterus of Cerberus. He vows to reek his rumbling, grumbling flatulent notes on the metal world. The F.B.I couldn't contain him. Devin Townsend could not deny the sheer scope of the genius spot upon his wolven scalp. Johnny Pluckman (also known as Fabio Lione) will tame the mightiest Viking lord, the wickedest cave monster and most unruly alien scum of Xenosabia with his sledgehammer thumb against steel-hearted string. His upside-down goblet chin shall impale the weak and weary. The sheer blackness of his clothing to block out even the moonlight on these most unholy malevolent nights. His sickly charm to win the hearts of many dwarven women.
Mike Devaney
And so Hades regurgitated the demon deity from its chasms. For the black forests there could no longer deny the power of his glistening, godly locks of hair. Soon growing too powerful for his domain, he spewed forth to cause havoc on the world with the distorted screams of arpeggio madness. Michael Devaney, who hath summoned wickedness with his sword of tremolo sweeping destruction, builds his apocalyptic reign each riff at a time. Perfecting his electric empire with each bolt of steel thunder. Enlarging his bulging guitar-neck phallus with each successful finger-tapping solo. The starlit night of his hair growing so large that its asphyxiates the masses with its serpentine appendages. O woe are all lesser beings to be just needles in his haystack beard. With blown out ears from the restless cheers of the ninth circle's greatest sinners and sprites.
Chris Anderson
Who would have thought of removing body parts from the coffins of that olden gravesite. To piece them together in such ghastly ways. Stitching sloppily the arms and legs to the torso. Using the head of old Christopher Anderson the grave digger as its permanent visage. What a monster it must have been to create a creature such as he. Who when struck by the lightning of life, thrashes around like a hyena onto countless flat surfaces. Who wakes the ghosts and devils of the night with his clangor of chimes. Who taunts the villagers with his bedlam of animalistic dances from the forest. Who would have created him? And more importantly, why can he not be stopped? Woe is the day and following days of lesser metal under his atrocity. Maybe his power lies in his hair. Just... maybe.
David Cone
Ladies and gentleman, never make the mistake of treading lightly around the one we call David Cone. As you can see by his mighty pointed body, he is one who will cause you the most pain and damage if you underestimate his overflowing power. He impales with great agility and anguish. Bleeding orange you will writhe on the floor with agony towards a slow plummet into hell. His bulging shaft will bleed any girl's genitalia empty. Widening its hole to skull size. Raped, ruined and ramshackle. As the manager and mentor to Arcane Malevolence, we bow to him and shower him with complimentary evil comments to keep him content. Or else even we shall see the atrocities of even his completely commonplace actions. So whenever you see him, remember to acknowledge him as none other than DAVID CONE THE MIGHTY IMPALER! Or we shall all see a dark, dreadful future.